Today has brought back some unkind memories, of which are in my pile of regret in the back of my mind! That of self sabotage.
Whilst discussing with a student her progress after a technigue class, I saw a small reflection of myself in this distraught young girl. In my opinion she was not putting in the maximum of her potential, and for want of better words slacking in my class. Usually the happy, energetic and competitive girl was now coming across the total opposite. She was used to out shining some of her fellow class mates in performance and exams, yet me being a teacher and being aware of other students feelings and abilities she was treated the same. She too had to work hard for excessive praise! I put it down to being a teenager, maybe discovering she had outgrown a 'hobbie' that was no longer a potential career path? Was it upcoming school exams? a sudden interest in boys?
After a half an hour of tears and frustration seeping from this girl we discovered she was self capping and monitoring her ability when in group classes so as to not stand ahead of the crowd, thus avoiding jealous comments and I suppose attention that is bullying. Teenagers can be mean, and to be segregated or lonely is something that feels like the end of the world at 14yrs old.
Flash backs to my training (15-20yrs) where I would get called names (mostly when I was doing well, for instance; not just doing but performing within an exercise, 'prima' or 'show off' I was called. I was torn between the wrath of my teacher or that of the other girls!) , not being accepted in to a group, if I made a small mistake, i.e falling from point in a pirouette, I would become the target of the week, being laughed at (despite still achieving better grades in the class throughout). One day I decided to chose an easier way to get through my training, Im not sure whether it was intentional at the time or not, but underachieving to avoid the grief and embarrassment, and not to be noticed in a class appealed more to me than the feeling of being left out and the odd one out outside of the studio!
I knew it would continue in to the professional world, this cattyness, yet for the time being it was worth it. I guess that is where priorities take hold, now I wish I had ignored the wrath of others gaining a better core technique (instead of a year or two plateau-ing) and developing a much thicker skin, but now is my chance to learn from such events...in this reflection.
I can see patterns within other aspects of my life too, the draft upon draft before submitting and agreeing on plans/written work/blogs/rehearsal notes....the perfectionist within is not often satisfied....as I have mentioned in previous blogs, my super harsh self critique kicks in. Maybe this is my way of pushing myself, overcompensating to overcome the years I missed out on progressing as I should have. I need to remember to trust myself and my choices, believing in myself and have the very well known PMA.
25 years old and still learning, still growing as an artist, the world is still exciting and still daunting. I just need to to throw my self in to things, get rid of this silly hesitation, as now is the time I do not want to be left behind!!!!
With regards to this student (who un beknown to herself, has propelled me once more into a much needed motivational self 'telling off'...for the good), we, along with her mother have decided an extra private lesson where she can be free to develop and push herself with out feeling the eyes of others burning into her...hopefully this next year or so will fly by and she can beging the life she still wants within training to be a professional.
Have any other teachers come across this in students? How have you dealt with the situation? Have you also been a victim of this self sabotage for an 'easier' route within your career path...or even your own social situations?
I wish I would have the future visions and confidence back then to still achieve with or without the incoming ridicule, who knows where and for whom I would be dancing for. Who knows where I will be in 5years and how, if at all this revelation has propelled me in to even more success???
Hi Hayley, wow I feel quite emotional having read your post. Personally I suffered from the opposite, often behind in class due to my slow start (mostly down to having divorceed parents who could only afford to send me dancing once a week). I had to work very hard just to keep up then lost popularity due to receiving extra attention from teachers who recognised my efforts. Whatever ability and personality of someone, teenagers will continue to be un-kind, it must be in their jeans or part of a culture to fit in? When someone dosnt quite fit in they become the outcast. This is sad but keep encouraging your student. With her talent and your teaching she will soon reach the stars, leave the others behind and they will then wish that they too had worked so hard in class. Perhaps there is another class which she can train in? Private sessions also sound like a good idea. Gemma
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