Journal writing has come to me in latter part of my life, in my more professional age. I wasn't one of those girls who completed 'dear diary' entries as a child, I didn't see much point; saying that I did give it a go but must admit I only really wanted to say I owned one of those diaries with a mini pad lock attatched!!
Since beginning my training to be a professional dancer, I have found it interesting to keep a journal (although it was there for me to add input as and when I felt, not necessarily as a daily exercise) This is not to be confused with my creative ideas book that I probably add to daily....that is a very extensive piece of work that I think all artists carry to jot down all inspirations, large or small. although i do imagine there to be a small cross over. The journal for me is a platform where I can log my journey's, my experiences and places I have travelled to, but also a place where I can discover my own thoughts, splash out any anxieties (the hurdles I face)... a place where I can privately rant and rave, liberating the much valued head space of which these pressures are commandeering!
My journal is created by a free flow method of writing I guess, I find putting pen to paper is a more personal, expressive and creative means rather than tapping at a computer keyboard (I know by reading my past blogs some of you will feel it is because of my 'phobia' of most modern technology, ha! maybe this is my excuse then?!) I have no desired outcome or particular product I wish to achieve; other than to express, show evidence of what I have witnessed and what I have taken part in, and where I have visited 'in my career world' ....just in case the elderly Hayley Dixon does not quite believe it as being true :)
Following the academic writing class with Peter Thomas, I have realised that free writing is exactly what I do. I write and write, often without consciously adding punctuation etc. I just expel certain thoughts and ideas along with a whole lot of nonesense or unproductive chatter. Sometimes I will have a little look back and see that there are indeed some 'golden nuggets' of quality or revelations about my practice that were once perhaps hidden in my black hole of my mind.
I do hope that this can develop further as I learn to reflect and revisit my journals more. It is a rare thing for me to do, 'revisit'. To some extent I think that I haven’t looked back on past journal entries as the 'positive' half of me preserved 'Hayley' as a whole, from reliving and facing some demons and areas of my mind that I scribbled down only as a form of release. (Like a self-administered therapy) To me these were expelled from my head… 'I lived it - I freed it from my mind - I moved on'.
I suppose you could say that when I am in a vulnerable place my survival mechanics kick in. This sounds rather intense, but as a person I am quite hard on myself and deep down have had self-confidence issues (of which I can mask very easily to others), my journal when it comes to emotions seems to lay bare the difficulties, fears and stresses I face… maybe to some extent I have used it as a trash can, as so to speak. I am sure there are lots of positives in there too; I just need to find courage in looking back, confronting and deciphering the emotions. After all reflection is seeing the journey or route from the: then 'A' to the now 'B'.
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