I am sure many of you are wondering where my video clip for task 1c is?? It is a difficult situation at the minute as it was recorded on a friends flip camera (one where the usb attatchment folds in and out for 'easy uploads'! this definitely appealed to me with my fear of technology!! ) well unfortunatley the easy upload has back fired as the usb connector does not work... This is a typical Hayley situation!!
I am in the process of getting the video clips transferred to a memory card, so watch this space!
Looking through a journal entry after creating said video, I had scribbled down some thoughts and flashbacks to a more vulnerable place in my life....the time I was a dance student!! I thought I would share a little of this as I hope that in months to come I will have overcome some deamons that are layed out bare here...
''After many story boards and ideas sheets, miutes upon minutes of practiced and unsued movement material I had created soley for this purpose, I decided to go back to basics. My creative side was becoming my road block (you do not realise how strange that was to say especially with being a professional in the dance/creative world, where the saying is usually complete opposite!) Having too many ideas for such a simple and small clip seemed to stress me out a little. As I mentioned in the first campus session, I am too much of a perfectionist. (hence my draft after draft problem I have!) I do think however, being in the performance field and being a constantly 'viewed' dance artist, self reflection and self critcal analysis is inevitable and is something that we all do. Some more than others indeed, but how much can be too much?
Speaking from past experience and self judgemnt, I know that sometimes this added pressure I give myself, other to that that is already present through the eyes and minds of the exterior/ the viewer, has sometimes put me back a few paces. I was definitely a 'victim' of this self abuse for want of a better phrase. I do remember a dance teacher (who at the time was my idol...which made this worse...) being more than mean to me when I felt I was actually at the top of the class in the particular technique; as a result of months and months of attacking and challenging myself, my body image and my dance ability. I think the extra negativity and critcism I received from said lecturer was initially there as a tactic to recieve that extra ounce of energy/quality/competition from me, but due to the extent of this external added pressure it just left me feeling a further attacked and this dented my confidence immensely. Especially as I am already a bully to myself. After reviewing the situation, and having been in a teachers position myself since, I do understand the intention, and that it wasnt a bullying technique afterall, just a method of teaching in order to propell the student further. However I do realise that you have to carefully assesss the situation and not treat each particular person the same. To expose the vulnerablity of a person who is more self critical than necessarily needed at that moment in time, could be more detremental in the long run.
In my craft and especially the company I am with, I am very confident in what I do and the sucess I have and am achieving here, yet deep down I still have the little devil that is the severe self anaylst that lies within. That is part of my drive and motivation I guess. I have nurtured this devil to work in my favour in dance, so I can see how actually this is now an angel. When the I know how to work with the crtical devil I can definitely use to my advantage in new and often uncomfortable siuations. Here is hoping the balance can be transferred as easy as it is to say can be!
The professional world I am in and the position at which I am in at the moment is definitely my 'home' and is the place where I feel I can be true to myself. There are examples of where I am thrown out of my comfort zone, like here in this course, where I will be faced with the challenge to keep the confidence and self belief on track, until it becomes second nature to me.
I must remember too much procrastinating and self doubt will be my fall. The sky is the limit afterall, any weight that pulls me back needs to be shed! :) ''
Hayley, I only have time to write a very short comment, but I just wanted to pick up on your last sentence - I have found you to be a highly intelligent lady who has an amazing amount to offer. You are able to communicate in a very effective way both in your writing (as above) and within conversation. We all have little devils trying to hold us back & question. I spent most of my life "proving people wrong", that I can and will be successful. Now I don't worry about them (or the devils) so much, I concentrate on me and what I want. More of a positive take on it rather than battling against the negative.
ReplyDeleteI hope this makes sense!?
I hope your week is going well & that you can make the 22nd March - it would be good to see you again! :-)
Really insightful as to the process - I had a go in Rewards conveyance and bugbears - but I think your balance of positive and negative far more successful. That idea of bullying oneself! Exactly! As we are of the creative turn, good practice is dealing with these emotional learning aspects within the process. The 'comfort zone' can become a barrier if we don't know how to get around it - and sometimes that means a struggle for a good cause.
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